Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
