Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
