I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
