I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
