I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
