6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
