Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
