mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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