There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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