I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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