someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
