Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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