Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
