and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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