I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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