tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
