Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize