Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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