I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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