Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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