I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
