i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
