I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
