I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
