Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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