Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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