He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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