So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
