i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
