I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
