I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Randomize
