remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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