You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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