Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
