i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
