Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
