Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize