i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
