i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
