Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize