the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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