I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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