What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Randomize
