so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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