Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
accomplished twins. life is a go
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
