I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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