She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
