2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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