I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
