new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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