textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
