I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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