my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
