Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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