It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
