His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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