I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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